The Spongy Ninja: Tales in Song
by signelchan
Summary: That place where dreams are nightmares and songs are the determining factors in life? That's where the ninja are... /Kinda AU./
1. Pairing Song Song

Lee looked out on his village. He was ready to show them all that he was good at something other than taijutsu. He was ready to show them the wonders of Spongebob Squarepants and the stupid song everyone "loved".

People casually walked by, not paying attention to him. Slowly, they began retracing their steps and started watching him as he pulled out a ukulelei and a campfire and settled down on the front steps of the Academy.

"Let's gather 'round the campfire and sing our pairing song..."

Already their heads began to hurt; Lee's singing was horrible.

"...Our S-A-S-U-S-A-K-U S-O-N-G song..."

At hearing her name, Sakura glanced over at Sasuke, who blushed before realizing that he was letting her know that he had feelings for her. She put her head on her hands and began thinking of their future together.

"...And if you don't think that I can sing it better, then you're wrong..."

A sea of complaints rose up. No one was enjoying it except for Sakura, who was still off in her dreamland.

"...But it'll help if you just sing along!" He paused. "The N-A-R-U-H-I-N-A S-O-N-G song! The K-A-K-A-K-U-R-E S-O-N-G song! And if you dont think that I can sing it better than you're wrong, but it'll help if you just sing along!"

Naruto choked on his ramen. Hinata started hyperventilating because he knew her secret. The two sensei were not present, so they didn't experience their fair share of embarassment.

"The N-E-J-I-S-A-K-U S-O-N-G song! The K-A-K-A-N-A-R-U S-O-N-G song! And if you don't think that I can sing it better then you're wrong, but it'll help if you just sing along!"

Now Sakura decided that the song was horrible. Tenten walked over and slapped Neji across the face. Naruto once again choked on his ramen and had to have it removed from his throat using the Heimlich. Kakashi was still missing.

"The S-A-S-U-K-I-B-A S-O-N-G song! The N-A-R-U-S-A-K-U S-O-N-G song! And if you don't think that I can sing it better than you're wrong, but it'll help if you just sing along!" He smiled, and decided that that was enough...of the last two lines.

Anyway, Sasuke rammed his head into a wall. Kiba acted like nothing was wrong and that the song had just made a mistake. Naruto blushed so hard that instead of turning red, he turned blue and had to have mouth-to-mouth. Sakura acted mad and shrieked, while her inner self said something about this song being such a disgrace to her, pairing her with Naruto. Little did she forget that she had also been paired with two of Konoha's hottest males...

"The K-A-K-A-S-A-S-U S-O-N-G song! The K-U-R-E-H-I-N-A S-O-N-G song!"

Kakashi and Kurenai walked by right as Lee sang this. Sasuke continued ramming his head into the wall. Kakashi did nothing but pull out a pad of paper and rapidly scribble down a letter to the editor of Icha Icha Paradise. Hinata fainted, and Kurenai had to revive her. When she did, Hinata started hyperventilating again.

"The S-A-S-U-N-A-R-U S-O-N-G song! The N-E-J-I-K-I-B-A S-O-N-G song!"

Sasuke and Naruto simeotaniously vomited. Neji started crying. Tenten muttered something about a bazooka and blowing her teammates up. Kiba whistled, proud of being paired with a girl. Unfortunately for him, he said this out loud, which made Tenten really wish she had her bazooka back and Neji stop crying and 8 Trigrams Kiba until he was within an inch of his life.

"The N-A-R-U-K-U-R-E S-O-N-G song! The K-A-K-A-S-A-K-U S-O-N-G song!"

Two clouds of smoke rose up; both Kakashi and Kurenai had disappeared. Naruto continued with his vomiting. Sakura called Lee a psycho for doing this to her and everyone else.

"But it'll help if you just sing along!" he finally finished. Happy as can be, he put out the fire and walked straight forward...into a crowd of angry ninja. A Bazookas 'R Us van drove by, dropping its load on the side of the road. Everyone grabbed a bazooka except for Tenten. She decided that she would kick Lee's butt in training, so she walked home and read a book on anger management. But, of course, the book talked about bazookas. Her scream was heard by Orochimaru and Kabuto, who were sitting on the couch in their secret lair, watching "The 40 Greatest Yaoi Pairings".

The show was interrupted by a clip of Lee singing his song. Kabuto changed the channel. They ended up watching Spongebob. It was the campfire episode.

When Spongebob started singing the Campfire Song Song, Orochimaru got the greatest idea ever. He would find some idiot stupid enough to sing the song in front of all the villagers in Konoha, just like the one on T.V. He told this to Kabuto.

Lee sneezed. Someone was talking about him singing the Pairing Song Song. And he started singing again. He would have made everyone kill themselves, too, if it wasn't for the fact that Tenten had perfect aim and a sniper rifle under her bed.

The next day Gai wondered where Lee was. Nobody told him, so he went to the ramen shop. There, he saw lots of bazookas and blood. A wall had head-shaped dents in it. Naruto's ramen had someone's finger stuck in with the noodles.

At the Secret Lair of the Akatsuki, Kisame was watching Spongebob. Itachi recorded his partner singing the Campfire Song Song, and sent the tape to Sasuke. When he got it, he threw it out into the street. Gai picked it up and went home, where he watched it. In the morning, he was out on the streets, singing his brand-new invention, the Pairing Song Song. He was blown up in seconds.

Maybe that's why when Sasuke went to Orochimaru, he blew him up with a bazooka. The Campfire Song Song sounded too familiar for the Uchiha to take. And when he returned, he stole Sakura's virginity. All because of a stupid song.


	2. FUN Song

A crowd of ninja had gathered at the local Bazookas 'R Us for the grand opening of the karaoke bar that was inside. As they took their seats, two masked people walked on stage.

"Fun? What's fun?" one asked. The other looked out on the crowd.

"Fun is...no, wait, fun..? What is fun? I know four people who can tell you what fun is." He turned around. "Let's introduce you people to The Four-Gai Team!" Everyone started laughing. Could they be referring to..?

The lights dimmed. Suddenly, four spotlights shone on four special people. They all grabbed microphones. Then, Lee's voice rang out through the room.

"'F' is for friends like me and Gai-sensei..."

Nobody noticed Kakashi sneak out the back. He knew what was going to happen. He had to go get a weapon. And, even though he was in a bazooka store, he left in search of a certain person's gun.

"...'U' is for using kunai..," a female voice sang. Sasuke and Sakura, who were making out at the time, looked up. They saw the most horrifying sight ever. That whole squad was wearing spandex. Confused, they returned to their previous arrangement.

Tenten glanced over at Neji, silently hoping he wouldn't sing so she could tear through the store. Of course, he was going to keep her from paradise.

"...'N' is nothing, and that's all I'm saying..," he sang, not really paying attention to hitting the right notes, or anything. Naruto couldn't keep his anger in. "You could have said 'Naruto, the next Hokage, you idiot!" he yelled. Hinata didn't know who to side with, so she kept quiet.

"...When you've got a squad like mine!" Gai screamed. Immediently after that, two gunshots were heard. Kakashi was back, and he had just killed the two lunatics with a sniper rifle. Tenten's sniper rifle, no less.

The masked men from before the show jumped out and ripped their masks off. Turns out they were Itachi and Kisame. This was the Secret Lair of the Akatsuki. These people had no business here. If they wanted to live, they were to leave quickly. Of course, they were on stage with two living people who looked absolutely horrible in spandex. The evil doers laughed themselves to death. Then Naruto started laughing. Kakashi tossed the gun to Tenten and she shot him. There were so many bullets in his body that even Tsunade said he was dead. Hinata started crying.

The cries were heard by the Sand sibs. They thought it was Baki crying while watching soap operas. When Gaara was done killing him, they heard the cries again.

Even Orochimaru and Kabuto heard the crying. And they were watching Spongebob. It was the episode with the F.U.N. song. They decided to make up their own version of the song and sell it to karaoke bars in Konoha. Little did they know what had just happrnrd.

The rest of the Akatsuki decided that the Bazookas 'R Us franchise was not a safe place to live. They moved to a cottage where nobody would find them ever again.

Sasuke had no reason to go to Orochimaru for power. He still went for free cable and warm hospitality. When Kabuto informed him of the plans for the song, however, he went bananas. Three weeks later, everyone in the Sound village was dead. Sasuke killed them all. He returned to Konoha, where he was a hero. He married Sakura and they lived happily, slowly repopulating the clan.

Naruto became the next Hokage. Somehow he recovered fully, if not a little braindead. Everyone listened to him, even if he said to lick the ninja tools clean. He married Hinata and together they made more blond idiots for the world.

Kakashi ruled the world as a drunken bandit. He stole a kunoichi from Suna to bring back to his village to make one certain lazy bum happy, because he was too lazy to go get her himself. The Copy-nin was killed by Gaara for that.

Autopsies were done on the bodies of Rock Lee and Maito Gai to determine their cause of death. Sai was the coroner. Instead of doing tihngs like he should have, he just carried them back to his house where he examined them from the waist down, under the supervision of his wife Ino. The bodies were never seen by someone other than them again.

The Bazookas 'R Us in Konoha was sold to Neji and Tenten. They ran the karaoke bar, naming it the F.U.N. Green House. Every Wednesday they had Spandex Night. The two of them did get married, and they raised their weapon-loving children in a loft above the store.

But all good things come to an end. One of the offspring from the Uchiha clan found out about the origins of the name of her favorite karaoke bar, and she had to be told. That was one trip down memory lane no one wanted to make.

* * *

"Why are you dead? Why did you kill us?" Gai and Lee asked.

Kakashi smiled. "Because of a stupid song."

And then they were taken to a magical room filled with T.V's. Spongebob was on. He was singing the F.U.N song.

Nobody could resist but sing along.


	3. Striped Sweater Remix

_Holy cow! Iruka-sensei's teaching us the powers of smut! _Konohamaru thought to himself one day while "learning" at the Academy. His teacher was dancing around the classroom, tugging at his vest, which gave the impression that he was trying to rip his shirt off.

"Now class," he said while doing this, "I have a special song for you today." Konohamaru smirked at his friends, Udon and Moegi. Their teacher was going to _sing_?

"The best time to wear a Chuunin vest is all the time..." he began, loud but calmly. The students perked their ears. He wasn't that bad of a singer! "One with pockets, storage space, that's the kind..."

A person wearing all-black attire and holding some sort of gun walked in the room. They pointed their weapon at Iruka. Two shots were fired, and then the room was silent.

Konohamaruyelled out, "Whoever you are, you just killed Iruka-sensei!"

The person took off their mask. It was Naruto. "I did? Darn. I was supposed to be targeting...someone else."

* * *

It was silent in a house not two miles away from where that incident happened. Even though it was the middle of the day, it was completely quiet. No one was around. Suddenly, a dog was heard barking. There was the sound of a gun going off, and then it was silent all over again.

"Tenten?" a voice asked. "Why did you shoot the dog?"

"The bark sounded like the stupid song!"

"How do you end up killing a dog when you know we're after a person?"

It was silent, then she spoke again. "Maybe he lost his voice?"

* * *

Later that night, Tsunade sat at her desk, rubbing her temples. "You are failures at life. Total failures. Now, go out there and track that man down!"

The four ninja before her nodded and disappeared.

"They're screwed," she muttered to herself. "Just like the others."

* * *

The building was completely lit up and decorated with "Happy Birthday" banners. A faint smell of cake filled the air surrounding it. Two shadows came up on the bright path. "This the place?"

"Um...yeah!"

"Positive?

"Yeah..."

The male, the one who spoke first, sighed. It was a long night ahead of him, especially with this annoying person with him. "Do you hear it? The song?"

It was a loud rendition of a festive melody that filled their ears. "The best time to celebrate your birthday is all the time..."

"FIRE!" he shouted. His female companion did as told, letting a round of ammo blast out of the gun she was holding. "Wait, that wasn't..."

"Excuse me, Sasuke, but did you just make me far-distance blow up innocent people?"

* * *

This was it. They were the only ones left. If the other group hadn't gotten him, they would. Positioned in front of a local shop, they were ready to come in for the kill.

Suddenly, a whistling man walked out of the store, followed by someone singing, "The best time to go hanging out is at night time! It's so dark, and wonderful, so I find! 'Cuz when you're hanging---"

"Hey." One of the attack ninja interrupted. "Where did you hear that song?

The whistling man replied, "On the intercom system."

"Ah."

"Why, may I ask?" the singing man said, not sounding like a question.

The other ninja snorted. "He's just asking a question. Now will you two please come with me?" With this, the first ninja walked into the store, pulling out a shotgun as he did so.

* * *

It was a long day of crazy killings, Tsunade decided as she looked at the eight ninja sitting in her office. They had gone out and done everything but what she asked! "What the heck are your guys' problems? All I said was kill Shikamaru Nara! And what did you guys actually do?"

"Kill Iruka and murder students under his supervision."

"Assist in the murders of every student in the class."

"Kill a dog and some innocent people who looked at me funny."

"Try and stop her from killing the innocent."

"Give faulty directions."

"Kill an entire birthday party."

"Gag and drown two people."

"Massacre a store's shoppers."

The final answer was the last straw. "You are all retarded. I said kill one person, not half the village! You all should be ashamed!" She paused to catch her breath. "I am now making you all continue on with this search...in Suna! Go, now!"

And, to keep their lives, they did as they were told. Later that week, a message went out to all citizens of Konoha that looked something like:

_Dear citizens, I am sorry I have to tell you that we lost many lives in a freak accident that included eight of my ninja getting brain-controlled. I have since sent them to heal in Suna. Please mourn the loss of life from that bloody day, and the loss of use from my ninja._

_If you wish to know who they are, I will include their names in a later message._

_-Lady Tsunade_

But, in the spirit of things, she never sent their names out. Things would be easier that way.

* * *

A/N: Does it matter who they were? Not really. Anyway, sorry for the long update, as I was constantly forgetting where I wanted to go with this.

~Signel-chan


End file.
